if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
