I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
God, I missed his penis.
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