Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
