She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
