went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
This is my life. Enjoy the view
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
