Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize