please come you make the beer taste better
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
