I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
