if i can run in heels then i can drive
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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