Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
