she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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