Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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