census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
