took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
