If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
