Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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