I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
please come you make the beer taste better
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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