we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
