pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
