I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize