Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
