As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
