omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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