Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
