I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize