My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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