Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize