Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Just cropdusted the office
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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