My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
