she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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