He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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