He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
