Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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