If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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