i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
