last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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