so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
