i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
