id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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