A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
