I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
