Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
