he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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