..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
