I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
