Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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