I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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