woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
