It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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