I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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