i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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