zippers are such a cool invention
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
