I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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