I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
