the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize