So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
