In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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