Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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