I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
