you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
