I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize