i permit you to call me
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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