And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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